Hello, everyone! Ryan, here. I just wanted to thank you all for making TTB‘s debut special. Now that I’m a huge success, I have precious little time to kill between hosting drag shows while BASE jumping and shooting Lebanese commercials for gray wood. Despite this, I thought I’d descend from my leisure to grace you with some advice about how to become a quadrillionaire.
First, stop buying things. This is a serious drain on your money. There are plenty of useful items to be found lying around in other peoples’ houses. If someone takes issue with your appropriation of his or her toothbrush, shoehorn, automobile, or DNA, remember that you cannot steal your own property. Once you take something from someone, it becomes yours, and they are the thieves for trying to get it back.
Second, dress for the job you want. If you want to be the Minister of Science, start dressing like an orangutan. It’s amazing how many doors will open for you if people think you have access to secret scrolls. In fact, you should probably carry a pocketful around with you in case you need to warn anyone about the Forbidden Zone. Sometimes, you have to change it up: start walking around on stilts everywhere you go. People will ask you what you’re supposed to be. This question is essentially a check for “filthy lucre” made out to you.
Lastly, always be ready to fight. Fights happen all the time. Everybody on the street is crazy into kung fu and will put you down with a pinwheel kick to your cervical spine if you look even the least bit squirrelly. Stop the blow before it comes. Hold back for a regular block; back + down to block low; and press down, down-forward, forward + punch for a hadouken.
Thanks again, friends. Remember to write me from the top of your money pile when it’s high enough to see from space. (I live in orbit.)